Thursday, July 23, 2015

F*&% You Mr. Andy Headspace

Think Julia Roberts, Eat, Pray, Love meditation scene.  Not the awesome Muffin Top scene where she's really enjoying pizza in Italy.  That I can do...think meditation minute, fly buzzing, OMG I cannot do this!

That is me on meditation.

A few months ago I picked up the Dan Harris book, 10% Happier.  Actually I Kindled it, maybe I should have had the actual copy?  Would that have made a difference?  Paper helps.  Not that I wasn't happy, I was, I am, well most days...however, everyone, mostly my sister, swore about the benefits of meditation.  The voices in my head simply want to kick ass most of the time, good or bad ass kicking so I figured what the hell....let's see what Dan has to say.

I was intrigued.  His struggle seemed genuine, albeit, whiny first world issuey to me but then again, that is why I felt I needed some meditation to deal with FWI (First World Issues).  I simply couldn't relate to anything or anyone who had what I thought was a minor problem, Starbucks too cold, couldn't get car into the garage for a oil change, kid got overlooked for the part of the baby Jesus in the Christmas play.  You know, that kind of FWI stuff.  My desire to "unfriend" and punch people for whining just reached the lack of containment point.

I thought Dan a little weird, sorry Dan.  I wanted you to put on your big boy pants.  In then end though, you at least made me see the possible benefit I could attain.  I liked that you said 10%, if you had even said 45% or higher you would have lost me.  Maybe it should have been 10% Better Contained.  You would have had me at 10%.

My sister read the book and then recommended Headspace.  I think she gave me my first 30 days free.  There's this guy named, Andy, chocolate syrupy voice with a lovely British accent.  Do the Brits ever sound angry?  I'm thinking I need more the German version of Andy.  You have to do Levels 1, 2 and 3 before you get to unlock way more interesting things like Appreciation or Creativity or Stress Relief.  I started with 10 minutes on Level 1.  If they would have had a 2.5 minute option I would have been all over that.  After Level 1 I was feeling quite cocky.  I've got this...Level 2 15 minutes bring it.  Level 2 DONE...although I think it took a bit.  I can't remember.  Level 3 20 minutes why not?  WHY?  That was the most excruciating 20 minutes of my life.  

Think Julia Roberts....Eat, Pray, Love.

Ah...then, Creativity.  Yes, I want to write.  I want these amazing sentences to flow from my rapidly typing fingers.  Back to 15 minutes and 30 sessions of Creativity...30 sessions are you kidding me?

Today I finished Session 30 of Creativity.  I have zero Creativity unless you count trying to figure out how to do Brazilian visas from Rwanda, paying in Kenya Shillings without being able to actually procure KES from Rwanda, then realizing the bank will give you 80 to the dollar when you should be getting 100 to the dollar.  Call Joice, my friend and former superstar employee at World Bicycle Relief who bailed me out like a gazillion times.  She's Kenyan, living in Nairobi, she can make this happen....and so far she has, with the exception of the Obama visit tomorrow where all roads will be closed for the POTUS so she can't make it to the Embassy of Brazil!  That's a whole other blog.

That's Creativity.

But I want the Eat, Pray, Love kind of creativity.

Oh yeah, that's a movie, based on a book.  A real book though so maybe it's real.

So, my last session of Creativity.  I tell Mr. AM I'm going to mediate.  

"Would you like a glass of wine?"

That can't hurt...sure.

The last 15 minute session of Creativity starts.  Andy...your voice, so sweet, so sing songy, today I want to punch you.

Deep breathing....1 2 3 4 Inhale Exhale

Zulu is eating and slamming down his food as if it was his last meal on earth.

Why is that such a disgusting slurping sound?

Mr. AM, why do you walk so hard across the floor?

1 2 3 4 let your mind be free....

Zulu, seriously?  Do you need to shake all that wet fish, rice, egg concoction all over me after you eat.

1 2 bring your mind back...

Back where...there's water and goo all over me.



I open my eyes...I couldn't feel the wine class with my eyes closed.

5 new notifications on Facebook.

Why did you look?


12:01...seriously, it's not over yet.  This is my last damn Creativity meditation then I can move on to Appreciation.


14:09...I can't even make it a minute?

15:02....this is supposed to be 15 minutes and look at that bar left.  Why is there more bar left?  15 is 15.

God, I need help.

This was my meditation yesterday...

Zulu on my mat.  Kongo preening.  Does that cat have to lick that loudly?

People...animals...leave me be.  Andy and I need to have our Zen moment.

Andy...this may be a match made in hell.

Think Julia Roberts...Eat, Pray, Love.

Onto Appreciation tomorrow....I have a 12 day streak going!

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