Saturday, March 21, 2015

Words and Garage Door Openers

Oftentimes, when I have difficulty posting a blog it is due to finding the right words to express the ramblings in my brain.  Yes, you could call it writer's block, but it is truly much more.  The older I get the more careful I try to be with my words.  Careful does not necessarily mean a censorship of what I want to say, but rather, choosing the combination of words, contextualizing the words to accurately present an essay, a blog which might spark discussion and introspection versus anger or misinterpretation leading to anger.  In today's digital world it is all too common to fire back instead of taking time to read and internalize the thoughts of another.  

Over a month ago I read a blog a good friend wrote about being angry with her husband.  So I was really pissed at my husband....apparently all precipitated by a garage door opener.

Since it has been over a month and the blog is still lingering with me, despite having a fire hose spray of events in my life, I am struggling to find the combination of words to express what the blog meant to me.  She is a great writer, wickedly funny, and most definitely in love with her husband and family.  Words....or the lack thereof in this case, left me heavy hearted.  Definitely not my most favorite blog of hers.  

I have seen first hand the destruction passive aggressive behavior wreaks on a relationship.  I have an internal radar when it comes to passive aggressiveness. If you are passive aggressive with me I will call you on it.  Period.  Say what you mean, mean what you say.  If you are angry say it.  Anger I can deal with.  Snivel, snarky, behind the back innuendo I cannot.

Actually, we've been really pissy with each other for about 6 months or so.  You know the passive-aggressive kinda crap that most marriages are built on.  We had a LOT going on with the new house, the financing (which was a GIANT pain in the ass), kids in new schools, etc., etc. To be honest, I felt like a lot had been dumped on my lap.  More than my fair share.  And I felt incredibly unappreciated.

Of course, did I say anything?

Nope.


My heart broke reading these words.  Six months?  There is not that much going on that could possibly get in the way of having a conversation, could there?  

I let too much get in the way in marriage number one and it cost me dearly.  I would not wish divorce on any human being, even an amicable divorce.  The words we use or the lack thereof can build up or destroy much too easily.  Do I think they are headed that way?  Doubtful...hopefully.  

In the end she realized what she had done, what they had done, when she learned a friend's husband was diagnosed with brain cancer.  But why did it take a tragedy such as that to put things in perspective.

My Sis and her German got married yesterday.  I quiet civil ceremony.  The big shindig, well small, contained celebration wedding, will be in June.  I found out as we were chatting on FB.  This was her IM:  

and I'm a bit nervous about the wedding today.  

Most people think our family is odd.  We do that kind of thing a lot.  When I got married the second time we decided four days prior, got some friends together and said I do.  It is my sister's second marriage too.  We are intrinsically aware of our past mistakes and wish not to repeat them.  We also have a sense of humor about it shown by their choice in "Best Man", Spike complete with tux and bow tie at the courthouse.


It took me two shots of tequila with my Best Man (yes, I did not have a Maid of Honor but rather my best friend Steve...it's totally ok to have a boy as your "Maid of Honor"!) to be able to remarry.  Not because I didn't love Mr. AM, but I did not want to repeat the mistakes of the past.  There was too much pain brought about by my divorce and the thought of entering into a marriage with anyone was frightening.  Talking with Steve, admitting my fears, my mistakes, my bad behavior with husband number 1 got me down the aisle...and tequila.  

I live in a place and in a world where I have those moments of clarity on a regular basis.  I do not need "a friend has brain cancer" to wake me up.  I'm awake.  Mr. AM is in Algeria for a month as the team has a series of races.  March is not my favorite month.  Algeria is a two day flight, thousands of kilometers from Rwanda.  Algeria is not a tourist country.  In fact, they are really not fond of tourists.  It takes 3+ hours to get through the airport as they inventory everything you have, count all your money and scrutinize every part of your travel schedule.  Algeria is next door to Tunisia.  Mr. AM is 300kms from the capital, Tunis, where last week 21 people were killed in a terrorist attack at a museum.

He left the night of the 3rd and I will pick him up in the middle of the night on the 31st.  29 sleeps.  Last night we had a 20 minute phone call, $14 on Skype, a really nice 20 minutes.  In a month we will have talked about two hours if we're lucky.  Thankful for email.

I am here alone in Rwanda running camps, tending to riders but realizing everything in Rwanda with this team rests on me.  Our neighboring country directly over the volcanoes where I sit is DRC.  On any given day the place could erupt in violence.   I appreciate having my husband here more than ever.  I hate Algeria March.  It sucks.

I am also cognizant of the speed of time.  Mr. AM is 60 this year.  Not old, but older and really do not want to waste one second being angry or seething with irritation over perceived slights.  It is just not worth it.

I seethed for years with husband number one.  I talk with husband number two about my fear of becoming angry or bitter.  Passive aggressive I will never be.  

If there is one thing I wish I could have my friends back home see, feel and experience, it is this.  Once you strip away all the "stuff" of life, the cars, homes, jobs, keeping up with the "Jones'", you stop being angry and irritated because you begin to realize what is most important.  I know my friend realizes it now.  Do we have to wait for something to happen to realize it?  Can we just realize it now?  I am thankful she had her moment of realization.

Thankfully I do not have a garage door opener which needs programming.  Well, I do not even have a garage to necessitate a garage door opener.  Keeping it simple with the family.




2 comments:

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  2. We lost a dear friend to brain cancer and I have to tell you that it really is one of those things that sticks with you for a long time. I found myself for the longest time not being motivated about anything anymore because we could be gone tomorrow. It took me a long while to get over this feeling.

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