I have been doing a lot of work on me lately. I am not the easiest person to be around at times. I am excruciatingly intense, focus and driven. I am opinionated and should I see someone doing something that hurts another one of God's creatures, human, four legged, flippered or winged I will not stand by quietly. I cannot. My learning has come in the approach. It has also been a release of past angers, slights and wrongs that I feel have been done to me or the people I care about. After daily reading of devotions, the Bible, Paulo Coelho and any other positive advice I could find I came to the point a couple of weeks ago where I realized I just had to let go. I released the death grip on the bar of old anger. There came a point where this feeling of calm enveloped me. It washed right over me.
I sent an email to someone who I had been frustrated with, hurt by and continuously haunted. I said it was time to move on and I didn't want a lot of back and forth I simply wanted to move forward. The feelings said and unsaid were destructive to both of us, all of us, and in the end most destructive to me. I was the one holding the bag of anger. I agree to disagree at times and will be a woman of high standards and good will. I have moved on. And I pray for a time when hearts have been opened on BOTH sides and things are not looked at from a viewpoint of manipulation or suspicion of motive. If something positive is said, it is very simply that, positive. There are no hidden meanings no secret agendas just a hope that somehow someway the rebuilding can begin and eventually continue. If it is not meant to be and there's some other lesson from God I am supposed to learn, I am up for that challenge as well. I know it will be easier since I won't be lugging oversize bags of venomous angry. My load is light, my heart is hopeful and my faith is in God to steer the outcome. Only time will tell, but I am at peace.
I have also reached out to two very good friends, well, used to be "very good friends". We have had our falling outs and our fights over the years but the three of us have been friends for over 20 years. There was a time I didn't talk to the friend who had been there for me, moved me half a dozen times and once even cross country. For the life of me I cannot remember why we stopped speaking. How sad is that? We reconnected at her dad's funeral several years ago, a man I greatly admired. Our lives have gone in radically tangent directions and we will never quite have the day to day fun we used to have but we are still friends. The third wheel in our circle is no longer speaking to either of us. I severed communication about 6 months after I came to Africa over why "I couldn't just live a normal life and be happy." Well, that is the million dollar question still. You don't have to agree with the paths I take in life but if we're friends we should support one another. I should have supported her desire to live life in a small town in Missouri and just have a very "normal" life. I don't know if this is salvageable but it would be a shame not to at least try, to at least get to a point where we can someday get together, have a drink and talk about all the fun we once had on our "Boondoggle" weekends.
This year, 2011, was supposed to be the year we celebrated our birthdays in style. We had dreams of going to Italy and celebrating two 45 birthdays and one 50 birthday. Our birthdays all come within three months of one another. Those days seem so far away as I type this from an airport in Amsterdam. I definitely am the one that went AWOL in grand style. Perhaps it would do me well to celebrate these birthdays in a small town in the Midwest, to remember where we all started so long ago.